BalanceOctober2016 - 25


REA L LIFE

MY
TURNING
POINT

When two
became five

Once the law changed to
allow gay couples to adopt,
Scott Casson-Rennie, 40,
and his partner could finally
think about becoming parents

Mealtimes are fun
- if a little crowded
these days!

photography by
WIL L IREL AN D

T

ristan and I have been together for
18 years, and we hadn't really thought
about children until the law changed
in 2004. After a long conversation, we
decided to apply to be foster parents to see
how we got on. It took us two years from that
point to be sure we were in a good position
to become adopters, but once we'd made the
decision, we quickly started the process.
We had a year of assessments, before we
were approved by a rather strict adoption
panel. The panel was concerned because
Tristan, 45, was not 'out' as a gay man at
work. They wanted to know how he could
advocate for his child when he felt he
couldn't advocate for himself. We spent
three hours with that panel, when it should
have taken 40 minutes. Tristan felt like he
was continually digging a hole for himself.
But it resulted in us ensuring that we are
always there to advocate for our children.

COMPILED BY: THEA DE GALLIER

LOV ING FAMILY
In 2007, we were matched with Frasier, now
18, and his brother Brandon, now 17 - they
were just eight and seven at the time. We
fell in love with them as soon as we saw
them in a photograph and officially adopted
both a year later. In 2014, Jacob, now
nine, was placed with us as a foster child,
and we went on to adopt him, too.
At first, we thought they would fit in with
our lifestyle and that nothing would really
change, but we soon realised that things

FIND YOUR

BALANC E
Dos and Don'ts for people
considering adoption

Prepare
for change

Your life will
change, so see
your friends and
family as much
as you can before
you become a
full-time parent.

Adjust

I took six years off
work to care for
the boys, as it was
recommended
that they have a
full-time parent.

Make your
home safe

The changes you'll
need to make will
depend on the
age of your child.

Be realistic

Like any
relationship, the
parent-child bond
will take time
to develop.

Write
yourself off

Anyone, within
reason, can adopt
- even if you
are single.

Blame yourself
Some children may
have additional
needs arising from
trauma. The settling
in period might be
challenging, but it
doesn't mean you
are a bad parent.

Underestimate
the process
We had to jump
through a lot of
hoops before we
were approved.

Make the
decision lightly
It took Tristan and
I two years
to decide we
were ready to
become parents.

were going to be very different! The
first month was a lot harder than we
expected it to be - not just physically,
but emotionally as well.

EARLY TRAUMA
We took on children who had personalities
and were able to verbalise - or not verbalise,
as the case may be. Children who have been
traumatised in their early years may
experience difficulties finding the right
words. It took us a while to understand that
because they were misbehaving at school, it
didn't mean we weren't parenting properly.
Bad behaviour often stems from early
attachment issues.
It's hard to choose just one positive thing
they've given us. We have our ups and downs,
but I feel very loved by them - and that's an
emotion I never thought I would experience.
When Frasier reached 18, we thought
'wow, this is amazing - we've got there'. But
being a parent isn't just until the age of 18 -
it's for life. At some point they may want to
contact their birth family. If they do, I will
be proud that I have done the best I could.
They'll always have a home with me. I'll
always be their dad. B
For more on UK adoption, First4Adoption.org.uk

BALAN CE October 2016

25
http://First4Adoption.org.uk
Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of BalanceOctober2016
