BalanceOctober2016 - 16


FI ND YOUR

BA L ANCE
CHATTERBOX?
What I learned from
conversation class

SPEND MORE
TIME DOING
INTERESTING
THINGS TO
TALK ABOUT

❶

Build, don't block
Instead of focusing on
what you want to say
next, or trying to solve
the other person's
problems straight away,
listen. Sometimes
people want to voice an
opinion, not be given a
solution - so let them.

It makes sense that a conversation
workshop would involve talking to people,
but it didn't stop me sinking lower into my
chair on hearing the words: 'Turn to the
person next to you.'
But what I learned from my neighbours

OPENING GAMBIT
Elizabeth Stokoe, professor of social interaction
at Loughborough University, isn't sure either.
'Opening a conversation in that way feels odd
- it seems too 'trained' and unnatural. When
a conversation feels rehearsed, it does the
opposite of building rapport - it suggests you
care more about yourself than their answer.
You're better off really listening - the best

16

conversationalists
design the
conversation for
the recipient.' Take coldcallers - they ask the right
things ('How's your day? Are
you well?'), but we spot them a
mile off because it's disingenuous.
According to Elizabeth, repetitive
small talk, while dreary, does serve a
purpose. 'We all dread it, but it's necessary.
When at the doctor's surgery, for
example, you'll have the initial
"How are you? Dreadful weather..."
opener, before talking about
something more intimate. You're
asking the other person to take turns
with you in building a conversation.'
Instead of enriching a chat, going in
with an unexpected, left-field question
can do exactly the opposite.
Did I master the art of small talk? I've
definitely learned useful techniques to move
discussions on and avoid confrontation. But,
really, being able to enjoy 'good conversation'
stems from shared interests and chemistry.
According to philosopher Theodore Zeldin,
a satisfying conversation is 'one in which you
say what you have never said before'. In which
case, I need to spend less time fretting about
the mechanics of communication and more
time doing interesting things to talk about...
perhaps the workshop worked after all. B
For more information on The School of Life
talks, visit theschooloflife.com

BALANCE October 2016

❸

Avoid being a
'first-mover'
Do you find
conversations regularly
become stilted,
or that they don't
really go anywhere?
You could be a firstmover, says Elizabeth
Stokoe, professor
of social interaction
at Loughborough
University. Typically,
first-movers make
challenging statements
that irritate people.
Try swapping a blunt
'What's your relationship
history, then?' for
something softer.

❹

Embrace silence
Allowing a conversation
to breathe is important
- considered responses
indicate how seriously
you're taking what the
other person is saying.
Pauses are powerful
- much more effective
than 'filling' the gaps
with nervous fluff.

❺

Don't take it
personally
If a conversation doesn't
go the way you'd expect,
don't let it put you
off. If someone isn't
forthcoming don't
assume the problem
lies with you.

PHOTOGRAPHY: STOCKSY

was reassuring - it turns out that most of
us struggle with small talk. One woman
explained she found moving conversations
'on' - once they'd discussed 'safe' topics like
the weather - difficult. Another worried she
upset people without meaning to. 'I find
myself commenting on their hair, and them
taking it the wrong way,' she said, much to the
class's amusement.
But, ultimately, we were all there to learn
how to do it. How can we turn a tedious
tête-à-tête into an engaging exchange? After
discussing just that, we practised 'openers'.
The theory is that if we can start
a discussion in an
interesting way,
half the battle
is won. Instead
of asking someone
what they do for a
living, ask them about
the last book they read,
our teacher suggested. Or
who would play them in a
film. Inside, I squirmed. Would
I react well to that sort of question
from a stranger? I'm not sure.

❷

Reveal something
about yourself
If you want a conversation
to develop, then showing
vulnerability is key
- 'Actually, I find parties
like this stressful' or
'I've had a difficult day
because of...' Be brave!
http://www.ife.com
Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of BalanceOctober2016
