Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 39
Transform:
Moving
forward
R I O B R AV O
takes your whole life by the scruff of the neck
and drags you wherever it wants to drag you.'
In his journey to find himself, Rio began
to talk to counsellors and other widowers
of a similar age. 'I was sceptical at first,' he
admits. 'I didn't believe talking could help.
But bit by bit, I began to see the benefits.'
PULLING NO PUNCHES
'I realised after just 15 minutes of meeting
other widowers that I needed more help
than I was admitting. Then I met Emily from
Bereavement UK, who suggested we create
a memory jar for Rebecca, so whenever we
remember something, no matter how trivial,
we write it down and put it in the jar.'
For Rio it was a huge breakthrough; it
routine, so I caught on quickly that they had
allowed him to see the thought process and
to have structure to their days. I had to keep
emotion the children felt about their mum.
some form of normality going for them.'
'They've opened up even more since,' he
There were many days when Rio just
says. 'It's been very hard for them as they've
didn't feel that he was good enough. Even
lost two huge people in their lives, but we
now, he questions his ability. 'It's been
have to move forward as much as we can.'
difficult for me because I come from a
For Rio, part of that process is to put
background where my own mum and
himself back into the sporting arena.
dad never showed me any touchyHaving retired from football
feely love - they didn't even
shortly after Rebecca's death,
B OX IN G D AY S
sit on the same sofa. That,
Rio will soon go in he misses the competition and
coupled with being trained as
front of the British has set his mind on becoming
a footballer, meant I've never
a professional boxer.
Boxing Board of
Control to see if he
found it easy to show my
Until then, Rio is also
will be permitted focusing on his personal life
emotions, how to show love on
to fight.
a one-to-one basis.'
and trying to live it without
Rio's mum, Janice, was the
guilt. 'Darren Clarke, the golfer,
family's rock when Rebecca died,
who lost his first wife to cancer, said to
lending practical and emotional support. In a
me, "You will be happy again and only you
devastating twist of fate, Janice lost her own
will know when the time is right."
battle with cancer last July and the hole the
'I've still got a long way to go, but I'm
two women have left is almost palpable.
making strides forward. I now know how to
'This sort of thing happens to other
show my love, so nobody in my life will ever
people,' says Rio. 'Not me. I've always been
be in doubt about how I feel again.' B
able to control most outcomes in my life.
Rio Ferdinand's book Thinking Out Loud:
On the footie pitch I've got control. On the
Love, Grief and Being Mum and Dad (£20,
training ground I've got control. But there's
Hodder & Stoughton) is out now.
no controlling cancer - it just comes and
When he lost his beloved wife to cancer, football star
Rio Ferdinand discovered a lot - much about himself
U
ntil two years ago Rio
Ferdinand epitomised
the professional
sportsman. A footballer
at the top of his game,
his primary focus was how to be the best.
His wife and children could only watch
from the wings as he proclaimed that 'no
relationship matters more than winning'
and at the time he meant it. Today, Rio
is a very different man.
He's come straight from the gym and his
physical fitness is still at its peak. But we're
not here to talk about his body; we're here
to talk about his mind and the transition it's
gone through since he lost his wife, Rebecca,
to cancer in 2015. She was 34.
'Looking back, I can't believe I even
said that,' he says of his own quote. 'But it
was how I felt at the time. I was on a weird
merry-go-round, though, because winning
bought me no joy, all it delivered was relief.
I'd get to the top of the mountain, but
immediately want to go straight back down
and start again. You don't stop to enjoy it.
It's a craziness that goes on in your head.'
CHILDREN CAME FIRST
Rio admits that if Rebecca hadn't died, he'd
probably be the same now. But being left
with the responsibility of bringing up their
three young children alone hit him hard.
'The immediate days after losing Rebecca
were very dark,' he says. 'I just felt so totally
lost and alone. There were people around
me all the time, but I was unreachable. I kept
looking at the children and wondering what
the hell I was going to do.'
Ironically, this was also what got him out
of bed each morning. 'I had to do it for the
children,' he says. 'Rebecca was all about
WHAT
HAS RIO
LEARNED?
'GUILT IS NORMAL
AND NATURAL, but
not your friend. Grief
is the main emotion,
but most will feel guilt
as well. One trick I've
found helpful is when
you talk to yourself,
pretend you're talking
to a friend you care
about. Stop listening
to that guilty voice in
your head. Ignore it.'
January 2018 BA LA N CE
'RATHER THAN SAY
YOU "ALWAYS" FEEL
MISERABLE, try saying
"sometimes". If you
find yourself thinking I
can never be happy,
write it down. Then
think of any tiny
moments of happiness
and write those down.
Now - you can "never"
be happy? Ask yourself
if it's really true.'
'LET A LOVED ONE
TALK ABOUT DYING IF
THEY WANT TO. If
someone you love is
dying and wants to
talk about it, don't
stop them. How they
use the time they
have left is not up to
you. It's not cruel to
let them talk that way,
it's the most loving
thing you can do.'
39
Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Balance Jan Issue 2018
Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 1
Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 2
Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 3
Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 4
Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 5
Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 6
Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 7
Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 8
Balance Jan Issue 2018 - 9
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