Balance February 18 - 40

'Today you can no longer assume
monogamy in a relationship - that there's
nothing to talk about because it's a given. If
you enter into a relationship in your early 30s,
and you have been 'at it' for at least 15 years,
you bet you need to negotiate.'
So if not monogamy, what about polyamory?
I've always thought it sounded rather timeintensive - where do you find the time for
everything else in life when juggling your
'multiple meaningful relationships'?
I ask Esther about so-called 'caveman sex
theories' propagated by the likes of author
Chris Ryan, whose book Sex At Dawn (£10.99,
Harper Perennial), co-written with Cacilda
Jetha, states pre-agriculture humans lived
in small communities where all adults pretty
much had sex with everyone else.

FIND
YOUR
BALANCE
BREATHE NEW
LIFE INTO YOUR
RELATIONSHIP
RABBIT, RABBIT
Generally speaking, there
are two types of sex toy:
they either look tastefully
modern and like they could
pick up TV reception from
Poland. Thankfully, the
Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit
falls into the former
category. Expect waves of
pleasure; satisfyer.com

A TOUCH OF SPICE

MORE PEOPLE
THAN EVER BEFORE
ARE NOW CREATING
THEIR OWN RULES
He argues that we are 'sexual omnivores'
who need a nuanced understanding of
the relationship options open to them. It's
something Esther agrees with.
'Monogamy is not natural,' she says. 'It's a
choice and a practice. To remain faithful and
exclusive to your partner is a practice. It's very
inspiring, but it's very hard.'

YESTERDAY AND TODAY
How ironic that anyone who doesn't follow
the one-partner ideal is seen by society as
strange, or promiscuous or counter-culture.
It turns out the society-defined rules of
monogamy were the unnatural bit all along.
Esther goes on to observe how it's
interesting to know what happened in the
past, but it doesn't help us with the model
we choose today.

40

You could add some spice
another way. The stunning
LaLiT London Hotel in
Tooley Street is home to
pan-Indian restaurant
Baluchi. If you've children,
it's the perfect night away:
a delicious meal followed
by a stay at this beautiful
Victorian-Indian themed
hotel; thelalit.com

WHISKEY, TANGO,
FOXTROT
Is there really a 'curse of
Strictly'? Or just redblooded couples spending
hours every day with their
bodies intertwined as their
hips gyrate? We know where
we stand. Tango Academy
hosts four classes across
London and one in Brighton;
tangoacademy.co.uk

BA LA N CE February 2018

And if you want an exclusive relationship
with your partner, good. That rules out the
caveman template. The thing is, she clearly
isn't anti-monogamy. Despite having just
written a book about infidelity, she's certainly
not advising it as a route to happiness.
One partner for life can potentially work in
her world. She just wants there to be more of a
conversation (that word again) about what it
means in each individual relationship.

CONVERSATION IS THE KEY
It does seem that society's attitudes are slowly
changing. More people than ever before
are creating their own rules. Outspoken
comedian Sarah Silverman contributed to the
debate on monogamy and vows when she said
she will never get married, and described it as
'barbaric'. Whether you think it's barbaric, or
simply confusing, the problem with this new
world of sexual possibility is we are given very
little guidance on how to navigate it. The first
step, Esther tells me, is to talk.
'Relationships can make you feel in bliss and
they can make you feel you're in hell. In the
past you didn't have to talk about sex, desires
for others, intimacy, infidelity. Now, if you want
to have a monogamous relationship, you do.'
With the interview over, I slope off to
have some awkward conversations with my
girlfriend which, actually, go surprisingly
well, although I decide against suggesting the
polyamory model. B
The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
by Esther Perel (£14.99, Harper) is out now.
http://www.satisfyer.com http://www.thelalit.com http://tangoacademy.co.uk
Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Balance February 18
