Balance February 18 - 39

arning: Reading
'People aren't monogamous in their fantasies
this article
or memories, so where does monogamy start?'
may result
she asks. 'Is it flirting with somebody? Being
in awkward
attracted to someone? Is that monogamous? Is
conversations
that allowed? These are not fixed entities.'
between you and your partner. And if you
The problem, she says, is that our traditional
don't have a partner, it may result in some
ideas of monogamy are a myth.
uncomfortable soul-searching.
'Originally, monogamy had nothing to do
Here in London in 2018, we are living in
with love. It was an economic imposition
the midst of a quiet but dramatic sexual
on women in order to know whose children
revolution. Everything we ever knew about
these are and who gets the cows when I die.
relationships is being challenged. Simply
Now we expect our partner to be our best
assuming the vows you recite misty-eyed in
friend, trusted confidante and passionate lover
a dusty church will serve you till death or
all in one. We ask one person, today, to give us
divorce do-you-part, might not help.
what once an entire village would provide.'
All our sexual, relationship and gender
So what do we do? Is it time for us to all
boundaries are being rapidly redefined - it's
embrace the exciting-but-slightly-dauntinga combination of the Tinder effect, postsounding world of polyamory? Not necessarily.
Weinstein introspection and both marriage
Apart from anything else, most of us don't
rates and monogamy failing.
want to manage a harem of lovers
More of us live alone than
alongside all our other slightly more
AT T I T U D E S
CHANGING
ever before. Each decade, the
mundane commitments. It does
Psychology Today mean, though, that the definition
percentage of people who are
says at least 9.8
old enough to marry but choose
of infidelity keeps expanding,
million
Americans and there's no universally
not to, grows. The movement
are in some kind of agreed interpretation of what
known as polyamory - having
non-monogamous
meaningful relationships with
being faithful actually means.
relationship
more than one person at once
So we have to do it ourselves. Today,
- continues to amplify. So what
she says, the definition of monogamy
happened to the 20th century suburban
needs to be negotiated.
dream of 2.4 children and a Labrador?
And what does all this have to do with the
WHAT COUNTS AS CHEATING?
majority of Londoners who would like to have
Is light Whatsapp flirting infidelity? What
a meaningful relationship with one person?
about sexting? Do you tell your partner when
To find out, I've flown to LA and I'm
you watch porn? Is an intense emotional
sitting opposite Esther Perel, a Belgian
conversation in a bar being unfaithful?
psychotherapist whose TED talks have been
What about stepping it up a notch.
watched tens of millions of times. Esther is
Secretively being on a dating app behind your
partner's back. Is that unfaithful? The modern
one of the world's most trusted sources of
world offers so many options for ambiguity.
advice on sex and relationships.
You might not actually be doing it with the
person on the other side of that screen, but
POLYAMORY: THE FUTURE?
does that make it right?
Our interview feels a lot more like therapy.
And it doesn't matter whether we've been
Esther's piercing presence and unwavering
with our significant other 10 minutes or 10
attention mean I sense my every blink
years, Esther is insistent if we don't address the
and stammer are interpreted as some
new sexual order with them, we're in trouble.
kind of failing.
'Is monogamy an emotional contract, or is
really just about sexual exclusivity? And what
does sexual exclusivity mean when you've
had 10 years in which you could hook up with
whoever you liked?'
So does that mean every couple need
negotiate their own rules? (Here come the
awkward conversations). >

at least

February 2018 BA LA N CE

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Balance February 18