BalanceAprilIssue2017 - 19

A L L TIED UP

Anxiety if you're...

but explain why without blaming the
other person,' says Peter. Anna adds that
relationship counselling can be helpful
even for those who decide to break up. 'You
walk away feeling happier and secure.'

Single

On the one hand, it's easy to be single
in London as you're distracted with
a thriving social scene. On the other,
meeting someone is difficult as no one
seems to have time to date. It doesn't
help when we're faced with reports
that being in a relationship is 'the most
common way to increase happiness'.

Anxiety if you're...

In a seemingly
happy relationship

Fix it: 'Try not to compare yourself
to others; instead think about what
you want and why you want it,' says Anna
Williamson, author of Breaking Mad
(£12.99. Bloomsbury). 'Accept that not
settling means it could take a while for
you to find what you want and appreciate
it.' If you're serious about wanting to
meet somebody, be proactive.
'If you date a lot but never seem to
meet the right person, think about where
you're meeting people and what you're
looking for that says this person is wrong,'
says Peter. 'Are your standards so high
you'll never meet them? There's often an
underlying reason you'll need to unpick.'

Anxiety if you're...

In an unhappy
relationship
It's frightening to leave the security
of a relationship and be single again.
But all our experts agree that, unless you
address the underlying problem in your
relationship, the anxiety will never go
away. In fact, it will probably get worse
and you could find yourself repeating
the pattern with someone new.

On the surface you have it all: Great jobs,
good looks, a smug Instagram feed and you
never argue. But at home it doesn't always
feel like that.
'Generally what's going on here is a
problem with intimacy,' says Peter. 'Out
in public or with friends you can talk to
each other because there is somebody else
present. And not arguing often means
avoiding confrontation entirely, out of fear

Going through
a break-up
Break-ups can throw up all sorts of
past baggage. 'Men's response is likely
to be starting another relationship as
soon as possible as a way of protecting
themselves and not being vulnerable,'
says Peter.
'Women tend to feel guilty and
compare themselves to their ex's new
partner, building up negative images
about themselves.'
Fix it: Start by talking to friends and
family. 'You need another perspective.
When you say out loud what your fears
and misconceptions are, it's not long
before someone else says "that's

that the other person will leave them or
rubbish",' says Peter.
RE AD BE T WEEN
one of you will say something the
'You then start seeing
T HE L INES
other can't bear to hear.
things in a more
A Return to Love
'Dissatisfaction grows, nothing
balanced manner.'
by Marianne
is dealt with and you start leading
Williamson is about If you think
separate lives.'
counselling could
how to harness a

deeper universal
love.

Fix it: 'Choose a time to talk when you
both have at least half an hour and
won't be distracted,' says Peter. 'Be clear
in your mind of what the problem is and
focus on "I am unhappy with X because
it makes me feel Y," rather than accusing
your partner of something.'
Counselling can be beneficial, too. 'What
generally emerges is that women are good
at keeping the conversation flowing whereas
men respond well to being asked questions.
If they haven't said anything up until that
point it's because their partner didn't ask!'

Anxierty
buste

Fix it: If you want to salvage the
relationship, you need to talk to your
partner. Obviously. 'If you feel more
comfortable sending an email or
writing a letter, do it,' says relationship
author Anna. 'It's a good way of allowing
your partner to digest what you've got
to say and consider their own feelings,
but don't let this be the only way you
communicate. Make sure this is followed
up with a face-to-face conversation.'
If you want to break up, 'Say why
you're unhappy and that you don't
want to continue in the relationship,

Anxiety if you're...

help, Peter says it
often takes just three
or four sessions to get you
feeling more empowered and
thinking more rationally.
'Some self-help books can be beneficial
too, as they normalise your problems,
which can reduce your anxiety,' he adds.
'As do healthy distractions such as
exercise and socialising, but dealing
with problems means spending time
alone reflecting on what exactly it
is that is troubling you. Ignoring your
feelings won't work.'

WE ASK THE EXPERTS HOW TO STAY SANE...

CEL EBRAT E
YO UR S E LF

AVOID TH E
BOOZE

H AVE OTH ER
RELATIONSHIPS

'Write down your
strengths and what
is attractive about
you, physically and
personality-wise,'
says author Anna
Williamson. 'This
reminds you why
you deserve the
best relationship.'

Relaxation is
key for reducing
anxiety, not
alcohol. 'Mixing
with other people
in, say, a yoga class,
connects you
with the world,'
says counsellor
Peter Saddington.

Are you single?
Then focus on and
nurture your other,
equally important
relationships,
'such as those with
friends and family,'
says Anna. Don't
be so hung up on a
sexual relationship.

April 2017 BALANCE

ALTERNATIVE
WAYS AREN ' T
ALWAYS BE ST
The grass isn't
always greener.
'If you're on your
own, remind
yourself that
being in the wrong
relationship can be
worse than being
single,' says Anna.

DO N' T TRY TO
BE PE R FE C T
Remember: bad
days are inevitable,
setbacks will always
happen, you're only
human and life is
messy for everyone.
Visit nhs.uk and
search the NHS'
'Ten Ways To
Fight Fear'. B

19
http://www.nhs.uk
Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of BalanceAprilIssue2017
