BALANCE_FEBRUARY_2020 - 30

PSYCH
GETTING
ALONG

visual, audio and kinaesthetic (as in 'feeling').
If I'm in a relationship with someone who is
visual, they like to see things such as a bunch of
flowers, a present or an act of service. My wife
is visual. When I take her a cup of tea in the
morning, it's as if I've got her a Rolls Royce - "Oh
my god! How lovely!"
Whereas with someone like me, I like to hear
it. "I love you." "I miss you." "I really care about
you." And so on.
With kinaesthetic people, you have to reassure
them with touch - words alone are not sufficient.
When you look at how people think, it tells
you what certain people will enjoy more. My
wife isn't "red carpet at 30,000ft". She'd prefer to
stay at home and watch Netflix. I am very lucky
to be married to a grounded lady.

SHARED VALUES

While we are all different, if you've been in a
happy relationship for a while, you will probably
have shared values. I might be outgoing,
comfortable networking and a happy public
speaker. My wife isn't. And yet our values match.
People go, "Opposites attract." They might
in terms of style, but when it comes to values
they'll have to be shared. Typically, it's five to 10
are you always so negative?" People move from a
things per couple. It might be something obvious
simple back-and-forth about a holiday and then
like kindness. If you've gone out with someone
on to a personal criticism: "Why are you always
who's unkind, you might have thought, "I can't
so negative?" Not even, "Why are you negative?"
put up with this any longer." And you realise that
But "always". The language of permanence.
he or she isn't for you. Fundamental values are
If you look at the model for conflict resolution
the bedrock.
it's all about addressing the other person's un-met
How you disagree has a strong impact on the
needs. Thus, if
relationship, too.
someone says, "I'd
I used to think
really like to go on
that you just argue
AS THE SAYING GOES, "BE THE
holiday this year,"
until the other
CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE
the other person
person gives up.
might say, "So
What a stupid way
IN THE WORLD." YOU ARE THE
you'd like a break
to think! What my
EXPERT ON PULLING FROM
or vacation?"
wife has taught
You can talk
me is this phrase:
YOUR MIND THINGS THAT
through
what
"Let's agree to
MAKE YOU HAPPIER
the reservations
disagree."
And
might be: cost,
that just kills it.
inconvenience
I'd go, "Yeah, all
or something else. Since I've discovered this
right." How can you disagree with that? Unless
there have been fewer arguments. Not just in
you're some kind of arse.
my marriage but relationships generally. I'm not
Sometimes, if we've had a couple of drinks
saying I never have a dispute, but I just say, "What
and get into a heated discussion, we'll go, "Hang
do you need?" Before, I used to immediately go to
on. Let's talk about this tomorrow. We'll look at
battle stations.
it differently." And then tomorrow we'd say, "I'm
When I got married I sat down with my
sorry if I got a bit upset." "No, I'm sorry..."
wife and said: "What do you need from me as a
One person might go: "Let's go on holiday."
husband?" Some of it was really simple stuff, such
"Oh, I don't know about that." And then: "Why

30

as "I like it when I hold your hand walking down
the street." Being a bloke, I never realised that and
had to learn.
I will also share a tip that isn't in the book - this
is a new one for you! This comes from the 80/20
rule by the Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto. He
found that 80 per cent of the peas came from 20
per cent of the pods. So he wondered, being an
economist, if this was true in other areas. And
it was! For example, 20 per cent of a computer
carries out 80 per cent of the work. And 80 per
cent of the money you make comes from 20 per
cent of your efforts.
Now, 80 per cent of the fun you have will come
from the 20 per cent of the things you do together.
Isolate those and identify where the fun is and
where the trouble is. As the saying goes, "Be the
change you want to see in the world." You are the
expert on pulling from your mind the things that
make you happier.
And remember - happiness is an inside job:
rather than getting other people to change, you
change you and the world changes.

7 Things That Make Or Break A Relationship
by Paul McKenna (Bantam Press, £14.99) is
out on 13 February. Change Your Life tours the
UK from 6 March. For more information go to
paulmckenna.com
http://www.paulmckenna.com
BALANCE_FEBRUARY_2020

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